The wonderful Amy Palko asked me the following question in her Goddess Guidance Group today:
‘How are you experiencing your awakening?’
This question was inspired by the Goddess who came forward for me this week which was Brigid, the Celtic Goddess of Inspiration. So, I decided to do a little free writing and see where my imagination took me. At first when I read it I wondered why this had come up into my awareness and it reminded me of my first steps of my path, the emotions and feelings I experienced and then I realised that I would like to share that journey with you also, in segments and parts. So, like most stories we will start at the beginning….
The first glimmers of light…
I’m cold, so very cold. I look around me and there is nothing there, only my shadow. How can something that belongs only to me look so daunting? A mutant of myself lays before me in the little bit of light that seeps through the cracks. I pull my legs into me that little bit tighter, curled up in a ball on the cold floor I wait for the nightmares to begin. How did I end up here, unable to communicate, so very, very alone? How do I find my way back out of this inner prison? My fingers ache, my throat and my head. How long I have been screaming for? Really I don’t know, there is no time here, there is nothing to gauge other than the tiny strip of light that moves around the room, creating a faceless clock upon the cold, cement floor. If only I could read it, understand it then perhaps I would get some comfort. Perhaps….
Where are they? Where are those who can help me? Maybe I am just not worthy of such guidance, perhaps this is meant to be my life, my future, my now. I recognise the tears that stream down my face and I know, once again it is no use, no use to ask. I must admit defeat and stop trying to escape, I must… I must give into the inevitable that this is my life, this is my entrapment of what I deserve, it is… it is… it is?
I know I shouldn’t, my mind tells me there is no use torturing myself in this way, but I can’t help it. I need to set it free. At first it finds it difficult to break through the darkness. My negative thought demons trying to hold it, suffocate it but I know, deep within my heart, that it is stronger. Bit by bit I allow it to filter through, blinding the demons of doubt with its light and before I can utter a word, or even take a breath it is here, fully here, all of it present and remarkably real. My breath holds in my chest. Fear holding onto it. If I breathe it may all just disappear like the puffing out of a candle. I see it now, oh it is truly here, I could reach out and touch it. I allow it to filter through me, reviving the death of fear that circulates my body. Suffocating it out with its nurturing light, transmuting it from the darkness to the angelic, ethereal light of life. I released my breath and breathe in once more, allowing each morsel of breath to fill with the wonderment of this light that nurtures me. Instantly I recognise its presence and I know, all at once, I am home… but for how long? How long before the darkness sweeps over me again, strangling me at my core and dragging me back to my place of torture?
No sooner have the thoughts been released from my mind I feel them go to war on the light. An inner battle of light and dark goes on inside of me, who will win, I do not know but I dread it all the same. That dread fills my veins like black tar, destroying everything in its path. Coating everything which was light with its dark, sticky substance. Oh God, it’s too late I am returning once more to the prisons of my soul. Stuck in that same position, alone and empty, I feel it calling me, no dragging me back to it’s existence, telling me I was wrong, evil and bad to believe I could escape. Is that my truth? Does that feel right? The Confusion seeps in once more and I am lost in the hazy fog of dark tar and vibrant light. I am lost, for that I am sure. I am truly lost.
‘Hold on!!! Hold on!! Grab onto me!! I am here!! Grab onto me!!’ I spin round and round trying to find out where the voices came from. I cannot see them, only hear them from the distance. I listen again, not trusting if this voice I heard was just the darkness fooling me once more and then I hear it once again. ‘Hold on, grab onto me, I am here!!’ This time I do not question. I take a deep breath, scrunching up my eyes and I hold out my hands. ‘I believe!! I truly believe that you are there!!’ My hand is suddenly grabbed and I can feel my whole body pulling me upwards, upwards through the fogs, the tar which threatens to keep me stuck. I am pulled by mighty hands through the darkness and I stand, blinking in the light. I look to my hand, expecting to see the hands that pulled me up but it is empty. How can it be empty? Who was it that pulled me up?
I look around me, taking everything in. Where am I? I do not at first recognise my surroundings and then slowly I begin to remember, a place, a time of long ago where I stood right where I am now and I know in that instance… I AM ALIVE!!!
Please do share your stories, thoughts and feelings that this post may bring up for you.
Much Love to you…